OK mods. If this is too offensive, feel free to delete it. All please remember that the punch line is just a play on words. Ok here we go...

There was once a horse farmer who was selling his prize philly. He got a call from his agent who told him that someone would be by to look at the horse. "How will I know it's him?" the farmer asked. "He's easy to recognize", replied the agent. "He is a dwarf with a speech impediment". The farmer hangs up the phone and goes about his business.

An hour or so later he sees the little guy waddling up his driveway. "Hello mithter", the little guy says. "I'm here to thee the horthe for thale". The farmer leads the little man to the barn where the horse is. The dwarf reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny notepad and begins to jot down a few notes. "Nithe horthe. Can I thee her eyes?" The farmer lifts the little guy up to get a look at the horse's eyes. He jots a few things down in his notepad. "Nithe eyes. Can I thee her eerth (ears)"? The farmer lifts him up again to see the horses ears where he again jots a few notes down on the pad. "Nithe eerth. Can I thee her nothe (nose)"? By this time the farmer is getting a little tired of lifting him up and down but still he complies. "Nithe nothe", says the little man. "One more quethtion and we'll be finithed here." The farmer nods in agreement. "Can I thee her twot?" The farmer is taken aback at this very odd request but thinks it normal as the horse is used for breeding. He lifts the little guy up one more time and shoves him face first into the requested area. Just then the little man wiggles free from the farmer's arms and stumbles to the ground gasping for air. "Perhapths I thould wefwase my thentence" the little man coughed. "Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit?"

Thanks, Phil. I got a real laugh out of that one. I didn't catch on until the last sentence, and I laughed out loud.

I knew a guy that spilled a can of Raid in his lap.

His fly died.

Did you hear what the zen master told the hot dog vendor? "Make me one
with everything.".....

I have a cousin named six and seven-eighths. You see, when he was born my aunt and uncle didn't know what to name him, so they put slips of paper with names on them into a hat, and that's what they pulled out.

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

.......

There was magician on a cruise ship, and he was really good.

He was performing the highlight of his show when a parrot walked onstage and squawked, ''It's in his sleeve!''

The magician chased the bird away.

The next day the magician was performing his highlight again (in front of a smaller audience) when the parrot walked onstage and declared, ''It's in his pocket!''

The next day, as he was performing the highlight, he saw the parrot in the crowd. But before the parrot could ruin the magic trick, the boat crashed into a rock and sank.

The magician was lucky enough to find a board to hang on to. On the other end of the board was the parrot.

They stared at each other for three full days, neither of them saying anything, when suddenly the parrot said, ''I give up, what'd you do with the ship?''


Michael

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him . . . is he still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym? .....

There was this snail who wanted to be a Formula One racing driver. He went along to the track and asked if he could drive. The racing team manager said, “Yes, but you can't have a number on your car, you can only have an 'S' because you are a snail.”

The Snail was okay with this is so he entered the race. The race started and the snail's car was at the back...but suddenly he sped to the front, over-taking all the cars!!

As the spectators saw the Snail speed past them, they yelled
“WOW! LOOK AT THAT S-CAR GO!”

kOnO

What did one Knife say to the Other Knife ? your looking Very SHARP.

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer! ....

This is great....I can't wait to use it!

This drunk is driving his car on the freeway and in front of him he sees a car swerving from one lane to the other. All of a sudden the car hits the guard rail and grinds to a halt.
The drunk gets out of his car to see if the driver is hurt. He sees that it is a priest and asked if he is ok. The priest says yes I am fine because I have the Lord riding with me.
The drunk turned to him and said "You better let him ride with me because you might kill Him"

HAHAHA


This man walks up to a drunk on the street that seemed to not know where he was going. The man asked if he could help.
The drunk asked if he could help him get to achoolhollissus anomonous. The man asked him to repeat what he said.
The drunk said I'm going to alcoholiss anominisis.
The man aske if he was going to join up and the drunk said

NO IM GOING TO RESIGN

AHAHAHA

Now here come some funny ones.
What do you get when your holding to green balls in your hand?(and its not sponge balls!)
Kurmit the frogs undivided attention.

Whats green and smells like pork?

Kurmit the frogs finger.(some one was playing with piggy.)

What did the fish say when it hit the wall

***!!!

Michael

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the
words?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?.....
.

Whats the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when he hits a windsheild?

His a**!



These are great! I really like the multiple personality one.

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini......

What happened to the little indian that drank too much tea?

He drowned in his TEA PEE (TEE PEE)!!!!!

How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney......

I told my Girl Friend that I needed some Head & Shoulders.

She said she has never given Shoulder before....

kOnO