What happens if you get scared half to death twice? ....

A Horse walks into a Pub and the Barman says 'why the long face?'

:huh:

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? .....

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?”
The bank manager looks back at her and says... "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

What do people in China call their good plates? .....

I'll Bite They Probally call their Good Plates America.

Funemagic, that's a terrible story to inflict on us poor innocent folks! I loved it! Here's one back at ya'.

Here in Florida, at the Seaquarium, a researcher discovered that he could make porpoises immortal with an injection derived from mynah birds. The porpoises required these injections every day. One day the scientist discovered to his horror that he had no more mynah birds available from which to get the serum. Desperately he called a friend at Lion Country Safari to ask if he had any mynah birds, and to his relief his friend said that he had several. The problem was that he had no way to get them to the Seaquarium, so the researcher agreed to drive to Lion Country Safari.

When the scientist arrived at Lion Country Safari, his friend told him that he would have to go out and catch the mynahs himself. This was no problem for the scientist, and his friend gave him a tranquilizer gun in case he had an encounter with a lion. At length the researcher captured a few mynah birds and was returning to his vehicle when he suddenly discovered a large male lion right in the path back to his car. Quickly he raised the tranquilizer gun and fired. After a tense moment, the lion dropped and lay dormant in the path. The scientist carefully and gingerly stepped over the sleeping beast and reached his car with the mynahs in hand.

Driving back toward the Seaquarium, the scientist suddenly saw a flashing blue light behind him and realized that he was being stopped by a state trooper. He pulled onto the side of the road and stopped his car. The highway patrolman approached the researcher's car with his firearm drawn, ordered the scientist out of the vehicle, slammed him against the hood and handcuffed the poor man, telling him that he was under arrest.

"Wha? What?" said the scientist, "I didn't do anything wrong! I know I wasn't speeding or anything." To which the state trooper told him, "I'm arresting you for TRANSPORTING A MYNAH ACROSS A SEDATE LION FOR IMMORTAL PORPOISES!"

What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?

......

You tell them to go to Blazes.

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

.....

>Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?<

That one took me a minute. Will anyone mind if I scream?

Germany

How about telling the Person to go Afghanistan

Well it might have been a nice place before... well you know, before someone messed it up.

Studies show that cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift......
Yes, and they also work skeleton crews.....

3 dogs, a Doberman, a Boxer and a Labrador are sitting in a vets office and strike up a conversation.

The Doberman turns to the Boxer and asks, what are you here for?

"I'm a !@#$%^&", "I !@#$% on everything", the sofa, the cat, the kid but the final straw was last night when I !@#$%^& in the middle of my owners bed.

So, what is the vet gonna do? the Doberman asks. "Lethal injection" came the sad reply from the Boxer.

The Doberman turns to the Lab and asked the same question.

"I'm a digger", I dig under fences, I dig up flowers and trees. I dig for the hell of it. When inside I even dig up the carpets, but I went over the limit when I dug a hole in the middle of my master's couch.

So, what they gonna go to you? "Lethal injection," replied the Dejected Lab.

The Lab asked the Doberman why he was there.

"I'm a humper. I'll hump anything, I'll hump the cat, pillows, the table, fire hydrants. Whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and bent down to dry her toes and I couldn't help myself and hopped on her back and started humping away.

The Boxer and Lab exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, lethal injection for you too, huh?"

No, No, the Doberman said. "I'm here to get my nails clipped."

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down. A monkey swings across the bar and pis*ses in his glass.

The man asks the bartender who owns the monkey. The bartender replies, "The piano player". The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey pis*sed in my beer?"

The pianist replies, "No, but if you hum a few bars I can play it!"

What do you say to a one-legged hitchhicker?

Hop in!

What do you call the one legged Hitch Hiker if she is a Female. Ilene

A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informs him that he was not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons.

After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove he wasn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor.

As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups.

He looks at him for a minute and then kicks him in the ribs and slurs, "Hey fella, I think your (hic) girl friend has gone home!"

So I says to the girl with the wooden leg, "Peg..."