The Rookie Cop...

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people."
A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again...
"I SAID, let's get off that corner... NOW!"

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

Pretty good," chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a bus stop!"

If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing "Happy Birthday?" .....

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs. The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman? ....

That's really a good question. If he is running AT the speed of sound he should.

A married man was in quite a bit of a predicament. His wife Lorrain was a bit of a nag, so on the side he would be dating his secret girlfriend Claire Lee. One day Lorrain found out about this little affair and was quite furious. She demanded that he stopped seeing Claire at once. Lorraine left the house in a fury and drove her car off of a ledge where she was instantly killed. When the man found out about the news from the local police, he instantly got to thinking to himself when it finally hit him. In a sigh of relief, he said out loud... "I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine is gone".

:cheers:

Phil

I know. That was awful. But come on! It is corny is it not?

A old man asked his very elderly wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"
She said, "I'd love to be ten again."

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park, the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. Everything there was, she had a go.

She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Into McDonald's they went, where she was given a Double Big Mac with extra fries and a strawberry shake. Then off to a movie theater, more burgers, popcorn, cola and sweets. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"

One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually I meant dress size."

If a pig is sold to the pawn shop, is it a ham-hock? ....

I think it might be a Hocked-Ham. but I'll just leave it a Loin.

A blond died her hair brown because she was tired of being picked on,
She was driving along the countryside when she got a bright idea and stopped at a nearby farm. she said to the farmer "If I can tell you how many sheep you have in total can I have one?"
"ok" said the farmer, so she quickly counted them and said 91. The farmer looked around astonished and said "alright take one"
As she was walking back to her car the farmer said "If I can guess your natural hair colour can I have my dog back?"

If a pizza place sells pizza by the slice, is there a guy in the back tossing a triangle in the air?.....

He drives a Volkswagen... didn't you see the commercial?

Ok then, If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?...

Why do female parachutists wear tampons?
So they don't whistle on the way down...

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? ...

An elderly couple were driving across the country.
The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!"

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?....

"Old" is when...
...your sweetie says, "Lets go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

...your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're
barefoot.

...a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage
door nearest your car.

...you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.



...you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't
have to go along.

...when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

...when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the
police.

..."getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

..."getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

... an "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to
every man. Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?

Someone has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends.
What could (bleep) possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?

If cats and dog didn't have fur would we still pet them? ....

Nah, we'd probably eat them.