Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?...

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blond woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.

"You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blond. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request."

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully, for the last time, I said BRING POSSE!

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? ....

There are 3 people standing in front of a magic mirror. The mirror gives you anything you desire if you tell it the truth, but you disappear if you lie. The first person to talk to the mirror was a very fat brunette. She walked up to the mirror and said "I think I am the thinnest person in the world." and poof, the mirror gobbled her up. The next person to come up to the mirror was a very ugly red head. She told the mirror "I think I am the prettiest person in the world" and poof, the mirror gobbled her up. Lastly came the blonde. She walked up to the mirror and said "I think..." and poof, the mirror gobbled her up.

98% of all statistics are meaningless.....

Then what are the other 2 percent???

Michael

Physical health is important. My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60 years old. today grandma is 92 and no one knows where the h--- grandma is

If time heals all wounds, how come bellybuttons don't fill in? ....

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day
complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly
dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards."
said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to
give a patient 2 milligrams of percocet every 10
hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours.
He nearly died on us!" The second doctor said,
"That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to
give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried
to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly
exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from
down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor,
"I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick
Mr. Smith's boil!"

There are two friends at a bar late one night. One guy weighs about 350 pounds and holds a cat
everywhere he goes. he never wears a watch. The friend finally
asks him, "What's with the cat?" The man responds, "I use it to
tell time." As the two are leaving the bar, the second man is
pondering how this is possible. He finally asks his friend,
puzzled, "So how does it tell time?" The man gives sits the cat down for a second and steps on its tail with all his weight. The cat lets out a long wailing "MEEEEEOOWWW!",
very loud. Down the street, a woman opens her window to yell,
"What's with all the racket? It's one oclock in the morning!!!"

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? .....

Oh my gosh, this is too funny...

How about this?
1. Dentist(on golf field about to putt): Open wide!

2. The dentist is on his way out with a golf bag on his shoulder when he gets a phone call.
"Doctor I have a terrbile toothache, can I come to your office?"
"No, I have to fill 18 cavities this afternoon."

3. What is better htan presence of mind when a martian points a ray gun at you? Absense of body

4. What is the difference between a cyote and a flea? One howls on the prairie and the other prowels on the hairy!

5. What do you get if you cross a comedian and a spiritualist? A happy medium

6. "These saftey matches won't light!"
"you can't get much safer than that"

If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots? ....

Last Night I had a problem swallowing my Viagra pill, it got stuck in my throat.
All day today I'v had a “Stiff Neck”



kOnO

OXYMORONS

Act naturally
Found missing
Resident alien
Advanced BASIC
Genuine imitation ....

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

If you get into a taxi cab, and ask the driver to drive backwards to your destination, will the cab driver owe you money?....

What Happens when a Politician takes Viagra. Nothing He just Gets Taller.

Alright here goes some more...
1. "May I join you?"
"Why? Am I coming apart?"

2. Q: Why was the musician arrested?
A: He got in treble.

3. Q: Why can't it rain for two nights in a row?
A: There is a day in between

4. Q: One Sunday a camper went swimming in a river. When he wanted to come back on shore he couldn't. Why not?
A: The banks are closed on Sundays.

5. Q: Why do squirrels spend time in campgrounds?
A: They like to watch the nuts.

6. Did you here about the frog who parked his car illeagally?
It got TOAD away.

7. Q: A motorist was driving down a country lane. His lights were not on, the moon was not out, and a sheep crossed the road. How did the driver see the sheep?
A: It was a bright sunny day.

8. Q: What would you get if you crossed a 747 and a magician?
A: A flying sorcerer.

Enjoy!

Matthias

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud says, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings... It's Jim.

Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?" Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?" Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?" Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often." "Yeah, well there's just one thing..." "What's that?" "Have you cut the cheese yet?" "No....."

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!!!"

??? Don't think I get that one. I'm sure it will sink in eventually.