Billy Bob's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine and your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother... he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," says the doctor.

The new mother says, "Wow, that's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise." Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew."


A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.

I don't want to know! the child says, bursting into tears. Promise me you won't tell me!

Confused, the father asks what's wrong.

Oh, dad, the boy sobs. When I was six, I got the There's no Santa' speech. At seven, I got the There's no Easter Bunny' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the There's no tooth fairy' speech. If you're going to tell me that adults don't really %#@&%, I'll have nothing left to live for!


To stop her 4-year old daughter from biting her nails, her mother tells
her it'll make her fat. I won't do it any more, Mom," says the daughter.
Next day they are out walking when they meet a very fat man. If I bite my
fingernails, I'll be as fat as that, won't I Mom?" You'll be fatter than
that," says her mother. They get on a bus, and sitting opposite them is a
very pregnant lady. The little girl can't take her eyes off the woman's
belly. The pregnant lady feels increasingly uncomfortable under this
stare, and finally leans forward and says to the little girl, Excuse me,
but do you know me?" And the little girl says, No, but I know what you've
been doing..."

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.....

A blonde walks into an appliance store and says I would like to buy that T.V. please. The store clerk replies Im sorry, we don't do business with blondes. So she stormed off back to her house and dyed her hair black. The next day, she went back to the same store and said I would like to buy that T.V. please. The store clerk, once again, replies Sorry, we don't do business with blondes. The blonde replied How did you know I was blonde? The clerk says Because that's a microwave, not a T.V.

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight? ......

What is the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Eveybody can roast beef.


A man walked into a bar and guess what he said. ouch!


An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender.

He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.

The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips.

The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.

The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times.
By the way, where is your restroom?"

The bartender quickly replies -,
"The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."


A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked -
"Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?"

Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!"

The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again -
"Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?

Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!"

The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy -
"Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much".

Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says:
"HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes like crap!!!"

"It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? .....

One night a lady pregnant with triplets was walking by and a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her in the stomach three times.

Her docter told her that he couldn't perform surgery because it would be too risky.

All was well for 16 years when one of the girls came running into the room crying.

"Whats wrong?" asked the mother.

"I was taking a pee and a bullet came out".

"It's ok" said the mom and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later the other girl came running into the room crying, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out?"

"Yes" replied the girl.

"It's ok" said the mom and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later the boy came running in crying, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out. "No" replied the boy, "I was playing with myself and shot the dog!!!!!!!!"

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke? ....

I used to be Big in Moving Pictures. and tables and chairs.

If you're a kleptomaniac, is there something you can take for it?
....

What's red and goes up and down?
A: A tomato in an elevator.

Q: What did one tube of glue say to the other tube of glue?
A: We have to stick together.

Q: What do you say when you meet a two-headed monster?
A: Hello, hello.

Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bulldoser.

Q: When is a baseball player like a thief?
A: When he steals a base.

Q: What did the can say to the can opener?
A: You make me flip my lid.

Q: What is a volcano?
A: A mountain with the hiccups.

Q: What do you find at the end of everything?
A: The letter "g".

Q: What did the elephant do when he hurt his toe?
A: He called a toe truck.

Q: Why do two skunks argue?
A: Because they like to kick up a stink.

Q: What did the adding machine say to the cashier?
A: You can count on me.

Q: What is the best way to keep dogs out of the street?
A: Put them in a barking lot.

Q: Why did the cat sleep with a fan on?
A: He wanted to be a cool cat.

Q: What did the painter say to the wall?
A: One more crack and I'll plaster you.

Q: Why is baseball like a cake?
A: They both need batters.

Q: What did one dandelion say to the other dandelion?
A: Take me to your weeder.

Q: What kind of shoes do you make with banana skins?
A: Slippers!

Q: What did the rug say to the floor?
A: I've got you covered!

Q: How do you make antifreeze?
A: You steal her blanket.

Q: Why does a cow wear a bell?
A: Because her horns don't work.



There was a little dude and he walked into an elevator. standing next to him was a huge dude. The huge dude turned and said to the little dude .. " before you ask me any questions I'm just gonna tell you the answers to what people usaully ask me .. I'm 7'2" 375 lbs, 2lbs left nut, 2lbs right nut, 15" (delete), and my name is Turner Brown." Then little dude looks at the big dude in horror and the big dude says " whats the matter? All I did was tell you that I'm 7'2" 375 lbs, 2lbs left nut, 2lbs right nut, 15" (delete) and my name is turner brown." and the little dude says " Oh! thank God! I thought you said turn around!"

If you're in a car going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? ...

This should be a sticky, lmao

Is a sleeping bull a bull-dozer?
Is a small pig called a hamlet? ....

God created the mule, and told him, " You will be a mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."

The mule answered, " To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, " You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."

And the dog responded, " Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, " You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."

And the monkey responded, " Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years." And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, " You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."

And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back.

Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry.

Then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.

Is drilling for oil boring?
Is duck tape made out of ducks?
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon? .....

Where do park rangers go to get away from it all?

Why do they call them briefs if you wear them all day long? Nothing brief about that.

Can a mime suffocate in his own invisble box?

How do they get those deer to cross at those little yellow signs?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might break in and actually clean them?

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"


There was an airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa.
It suddenly had a malfunction and went down. A few weeks later,
PepsiCo sent a rescue plane out to look for the lost plane. They found the
wreckage but were unable to locate the crew. They searched the area
and found a tribe of cannibals. They walked up to the Chief of the tribe
and asked him if he knew anything about the crash. The Chief says,
"Yeah". When asked where the crew was the Chief replied, "We ate the
crew and drank the Pepsi." The Rescue crew was shocked. One man asked,
"Did you eat their legs?" The chief replied, "We ate their legs and we
drank the Pepsi." Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?" The
Chief said, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi". After looking
totally perplexed for a minute a third added, "Did you...you
know...eat
their....things"?? The chief says, "No." "No?" asked the rescuers.
"NO", replied the Chief, " THINGS go better with COKE!!!"

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
-- (Brooke Shields).....

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet
rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over
immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face
close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard
which is full and bushy.
Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both
hands.
"Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me - I need to speak
to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his
hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there
anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues
huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him
to suck them gently.
"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."


A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and no
one is there. He looks all around and he finally sees a
little snail sitting on the doormat. He picks it up and
throws it across the street into a field.

Ten years go by, and one day he hears a knocking on his
door. He opens it up and no one is there.

He looks all around, and he finally sees a little snail
sitting on the doormat.

The snail looks up and says, "What the (bleep) was that all
about?"