I was gonna overdose on aspirins last night, but after the first 2, I felt much better....

What do you call four Mexicans in quick sand is quatro sinko.
Al

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"Listen," he says to the bartender, "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, is my beer on the house?"

"We'll see," says the bartender.

So the guy pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano out of a bag, puts them on the bar, and the hamster begins to play.

"Impressive," says the bartender, "but I'll need to see more."

"Hold on," says the man. He then pulls out a bullfrog, and it sings "Old Man River."

A patron jumps up from his table and shouts "that's's Absolutely incredible! I'll give you $100 right now for the frog."

"Sold," says the guy. The patron takes the bullfrog and leaves.

"It's none of my business," says the bartender, "but you just gave away a fortune."

"Not really," says the guy, "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.....

A doctor, an engineer, and a politician were
arguing as to which profession was older.
"Well," argued the doctor, "without a
physician mankind could not have survived, so I am
sure that mine is the oldest profession."
"No," said the engineer, "before life began
there was complete chaos, and it took an engineer
to create some semblance of order from this chaos.
So engineering is older."
"But," chirped the triumphant politician,
"who created the chaos?"

Daffy-nition...... Shin: An item used to locate table corners in the dark....

What do chain saws and monkeys have in common?

They both (delete) up trees!

When I play golf, I always bring extra pants, in case I get a HOLE in one.....

Yo' mamma is so fat when she goes swimming in the ocean she gets harpooned!

An expert is someone from out of town.

Experience varies directly with the amount of equipment ruined
.....

A psychologist is someone who tries to find out if infants have as much fun in infancy as adults have in adultery.

A meteorologist is a man who can look into a girl's eyes and tell whether.

Is the nose the scenter of the face?.....

Getting anything done around here is like mating elephants.
It's done on a very high level.
There's a lot of stomping and screaming involved.
And it takes two years to get any results.


Tough Mice

Three mice are at a bar, having drinks, talking about how tough they are. The first mouse slams down a shot of booze, says, "Let me tell you how tough I am."

I spot a trap and go for the cheese. When it snaps, I snatch the bar and bench press it 20 or so times and before it can close I'm outa there!" and he tosses down another shot.

The second mouse slams down a shot and says, "You think that's tough? When I find a pile of d-con, I crush it and snort it like it's cocaine." With that he throws down another shot and slams his shotglass on the bar.

The first two are staring at the third mouse, waiting to see what he has to say for himself.

He fires down a shot of booze, throws down his glass and heads for the door. His buddies look at each other, then at him and say, "Hey, where are YOU going?"

The third mouse says, "I haven't got time for this (bleep), I need to get home to (bleep) the cat."

Why do they call it "toothpaste" if it does not glue your mouth shut?

Another definition for expert...

An ex is a sort-of has been

A spert or "spurt" is a drip of water under pressure...

So an Expert is basically - a has been drip who's under a lot of pressure!


Lyndel

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man.
So, he hired a famous Chinese detective,
Ram Pam Sim Wimm, to watch and report any
activities that might develop. A few days later,
he received this report:

Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, not see.
No Fee.

Why are they called "buildings" if they are done building them? Shouldn't they be called "builts"?

Bumper sticker: Pardon my driving, I am reloading....

What should you give a man who has everything?

Penicillin

Say! did you hear the one about the broken pencil?.....

Oh, Nevermind. It's pointless anyway........