A family of moles, a mama, a papa, and a baby; lived in a mole hole, And one dy the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "Yum, I smell maple syrup". The mama sticks her head out and says "Yum I smell Honey" The baby tries to stick his head out but the big moles are in the way. "That's funny," He says, "All I can smell is MOLASSES"

LOL, Matthias

Where do you start on red and stop on green??

When you are eating watermelon!!

Michael

A bum asks a man for two dollars.
The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
The bum said, "No."
The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
The bum said, "No."
Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see
what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"....

Did you hear about the tap dancer who fell in the sink?

Since there is a speed of light and a speed of sound, is there a speed of smell?.....

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the
checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "Your husband is
suffering from severe, long-term stress and it's affecting his
cardiovascular system. He's a good candidate for either a heart attack
or a stroke. If you don't do the following four things, your husband
will surely die".

"First, each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to
work in a good mood."

"Second, at lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him
in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work."

"Third, for dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him
with household chores."

"Fourth, and most important for invigorating him and relieving stress,
have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim in
bed."

On the way home in the car, the husband turned to his wife and asked,
"So, I saw the doctor talking to you and he sure seemed serious. What
did he tell you?"

"You're going to die," she replied.



Seems a guy was driving for hours thu desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and *splat!*... he flattened the cat.

Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants.

When the housewife came to the door, said he, "Pardon memadame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but I wanted to let you know instead of just driving off...."

"Not so fast", says she. "How do you know it was our cat?
Could you describe him? What does he look like?"

The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said...
"He looks like thts"as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.

"Oh no, you *horrible* man", she replied.
"I meant, what did he look like *before* you hit him?"

The man got up, covered his eyes with both hands and screamed "Agggghhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!"

Two antennas fall in love,
They decide to get married,
The ceremony wasn't good,
But

the reception was excellent.

David received a parrot for his birthday.
The parrot was fully-grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, very rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and became even more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly, there was quiet - not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said:
"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I will endeavor at once to correct my behaviour.
I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued:
"May I ask what the chicken did?"



An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!"
The man asked the doctor, "What's the problem?"
"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur.
Do you smoke?" "No," replied the man.
"Do you drink in excess?" "No." replied the man.
"Do you have a sex life?" "Yes, I do!"
"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life." Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half - the looking or the thinking?"

The Broccoli and Boogers joke is the funniest. I couldn't stop laughing for a full 5 minutes.

Psychiatric Hotline



If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want.
Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No
one will answer.

What makes cheese so confidential that we actually need cheese shredders? ....

Paul Daniel's corny joke which sticks in my mind from childhood:-
"This is a Hindu Shuffle, does anybody know what's a Hindu? Lay eggs."

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the possum it could be done.
Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road? Wanted to lay it on the line.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?....

If Uri Gellar had a continent named after him - would the countries that made up that continent be considered "Uri-nations"

For Joseph's Question I'll Guess Limburger.

Whatever happened to preparations A through G? ....

Maybe they all gave them to H.

A drunk guy leaned toward an attractive woman at a bar and slurred, " (hic) Haven't I
sheen you shumwhere before? (hic)"
"Yes," she replied in a LOUD voice, "I'm the receptionist at the V.D.
clinic!!!!!"


They say that if you drop a cat it will always land
on it's feet.

They also say that if you drop toast, it will always
land butter side down.

What happens if you staple some toast to a cat butterside up?


(Gazzo)


The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, bright
as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept
of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album,
thinking visual images would help.
One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church,
the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.
"Now do you understand?" he asked.
"I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

.....