English 101 at a certain university was one of those large, ampitheater courses designed to weed out freshman sudents. The class was famous for flunking about half the students who took the mandatory course. At the final exam, the teacher told the students that the exam was worth fifty percent of the final grade, that they were given two hours and no more to complete the exam, and the time limit was very strict. Anyone who attempted to squeeze out another minute or two after time was called would be immediately failed.

About half an hour after the exam began a student arrived, obviously late, and approached the teacher. The teacher told him that he did not have enough time to finish the exam, but the student insisted that he could finish it in time. The student took the exam to his desk and began writing. When time was called, all the students, except the late arrival stopped. The late arrival continued to write even though the teacher told him to stop several times. Finally the student approached the teacher's desk, exam in hand.

The teacher,of course, refused to accept the exam from the student. The student, in a loud voice said, "Professor, do you know who I am?" The teacher replied, "I don't care who you are! I will not accept your exam." The student said again to the teacher more loudly than before, "Do you know who I am?" The teacher said, "No, I have no idea who you are!"

At this point, the student picked up the stack of exams from the professor's desk, stuffed his somewhere in the middle of the stack, and just before walking out said, "Well, that's good!"

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster,
which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.


A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York to see the
radio show and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The
state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an
empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you
been drinking?"

And the minister says, "Just water."

The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good
Lord, He's done it again!"

I hate hearing that in the Tattoo Parlor....

A cowboy walked into a bar and sat down next to an attractive young woman. He struck up a conversation and eventually tried to pick her up. The young lady said to him, "Look, you're a nice guy, but I am a lesbian. I like girls. I like tall girls, short girls, chubby girls, skinny girls. I just like girls."

Needless to say, this put a damper on his spirits, and a little later, after the young lady left, the bartender spotted him sitting alone and looking sad. The bartender walked over to him and asked, "What's the matter, feller, why are you looking so sad?"

The cowboy looked up at him and said, "Geez, all this time I thought I was a cowboy, and now I find out I'm a lesbian!"


Daffydoug, whenever four ministers get together, there's always a fifth!

(With apologies to Euangelion and Photius!)

Why do sharks swim in salt water?

Because pepper water makes them sneeze!

Michael

A minister was preaching about the evils of getting angry and cursing. He said, "You'll notice that while I have been talking, a fly has landed on my nose. Now, you see, I don't get angry, I don't curse, I just say, Go away, little fly, go aw...*&%$#@@@#$*&^, It's a BEE!

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Two old ladies were sitting church listening to the sermon. The minister began preaching against drinking, and the little old ladies nodded in agreement. The minister began preaching against cursing, and the little old ladies nodded in agreement, one even saying quietly, "amen." The minister began preaching against dipping snuff, and one of the little old ladies turned to the other and said, "Now he's stopped preachin' and started meddlin'."

Heard of the organization "DAM"?..
(Mothers against Dyslexia)....

The meeting of the Procrastinators Club has been postponed (again).

Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it? .....

A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart.

When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"

"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"

"I'm a gynecologist."

I suppose the guy who was crying was the proctologist.

By the way, a sign on the obgyn office door:
"Dr. Smith at your cervix." ...

An old farmer is driving down a country road in his pickup truck when
it starts making an awful noise. He stops the truck and crawls
underneath to investigate the problem.
"Hmmm...muffler's loose. I bet I could fix that if I had a Monkey
Wrench." He says.
He crawls out from underneath the truck and looks down the road. Off
in the distance he sees a small house. There is a black woman and
several small black children playing in the yard.

The Farmer yells to her "Hey Miss, do you happen to have Monkey
Wrench?"

"What?" She yells back.

"A Monkey Wrench!!?" He screams.

"What?"

"MONKEY WRENCH!!?...MONKEY WRENCH!!?"

"Naw, this ain't no Monkey Ranch, its a Day Care Center!"

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? ...

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher,
indicating that
"Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the difference between
boys and girls,"
and would his mother,"please sit down and have a talk with Johnny
about this."
So johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her
bedroom,and closes the door.
- first, johnny, I want you to take off my blouse.
So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.
- ok, now take off my skirt...
And he takes off her skirt.
- now take off my bra.
Which he does.
- and now, johnny, please take off my panties.
And when johnny finishes removing those, she says,
"Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?" ....

Nigel: You said the school dentist would be painless, but he wasn't.
Teacher: Did he hurt you?
Nigel: No, but he screamed when I bit his finger.

Why are you expected to slow down in a speed zone? ....

What's the difference between a kangaroo, a lumberjack and a bag of peanuts?
A kangaroo hops and chews and a lumberjack chops and hews.


Why was the monster standing on his head?
He was turning things over in his mind.

What's wet and wiggly and says how do you do sixteen times?
Two octopuses shaking hands.

George Carlin's Reflections on Life:

1. Never raise your hands to you kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.

8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but going faster is a maniac?

9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is!

10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too!"

15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Why aren't there ever any guilty bystanders?...