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1472 Posts

Can somebody help me out here? I am looking for "comedy announcements".

Here is an example:
"Mr. Jones, can you call home? The babersitter wants to know where the fire extinguiser is".

Maybe somebody has these kind of lines or ideas or knows sources.

Thank you,

Robert Blake
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Profile of trickychris
Tonights clarevoyants evening has been cancelled due to unforeseen events.......
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London England
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Profile of paulajayne




"To the hilarious gentleman who just showed me his bum, can I suggest that you join a gym or go on a diet before waving it around in future!"

Paula Jay - Magic to Remember -
I once wrote a book on elephants, I think paper would have been better.
Reg Rozee
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Vancouver, Canada
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Profile of Reg Rozee
Here's a few off the top of my head...

Would the owner of a beautiful white cadillac parked out front please see the fireman holding the steering wheel at the front desk?

Would Mr. Paul Jones please go to the concierge's desk? Oh, and wait for me so I can follow along—I want to see what a 'concierge' is!

If anyone has lost a brown leather wallet with $580 in 50's and 20's and some beautiful family photos, please DO NOT come to the front desk/bar/etc. We don't have it, we haven't seen it, and it is definitely gone for good.

We have a lost child in security/at the desk/bar/etc. and are looking for a parent who answers to "mommymommymommymommyMMMMMOMMMMMYYYY!!!" Please come to the desk immediately. And quickly. _PLEASE_...

We would like to welcome members of the local Optimists Club, scheduled to be our special guests tonight. Unfortunately, they heard the weather would be bad, assumed we would cancel, and didn't bother coming...

We would like to congratulate Mr. & Mrs. John Smith who are here tonight, celebrating the 30th anniversary of their divorce by sitting at opposite ends of the restaurant and not speaking to each other. Congratulations on 30 years of successful avoidance and blissful unacquaintance!
Reality is what doesn't go away when you stop believing in it. -Phillip K. Dick

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? -Chico Marx
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Bolingbrook IL
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Profile of amadrigal
I use
Did you lose a bunch of cash wrapped in a rubberband out in the parking lot?.... no? Well if you see them tell em I have their rubberband!

"Whom ever has lost the $500 in twenties wrapped in a rubberband outside in the parking lot please come see me! I have your rubberband!!!"
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
Harry S Truman (1884 - 1972)
Joey Evans
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Fort Myers, FL
535 Posts

Profile of Joey Evans
"This just in, some bad news. Our beloved Captain Hook died of Jock Itch today."
The Visual Comedy and Magic of Joey Evans


The Impossible Has Never Been So Funny!
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Profile of flobiwan
"A man's wallet has been found by a miss Helen Hunt, so any gentleman who has lost a wallet can go to Helen Hunt for it."
Bill Hallahan
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New Hampshire
3223 Posts

Profile of Bill Hallahan
This is an actual announcement I heard where I used to work. It was a legitimate announcement, but there was still laughter throughout the building.

The receptionist announced, "Will the person who lost the hearing aid please report to the lobby."

5 seconds later, much louder,

"Will the person who lost the hearing aid, please report to the lobby!"
Humans make life so interesting. Do you know that in a universe so full of wonders, they have managed to create boredom. Quite astonishing.
- The character of ‘Death’ in the movie "Hogswatch"
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malta eu
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Profile of sniper1
Ok this is an old one but still good. Let's say you have a part in your show where you use kids. Ok, any women have have a kid that I can borrow tonight. Those ladies without any kids can come to see me after the show and I'll see what I can do for you.
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Profile of NJJ
"Will the owner of the car registered XCVDHFHEDHDH445984KJKLKRE8996FELFK89849 please move your car. Your license plate is blocking the driveway."
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Forest Grove, Oregon
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Profile of mplegare
A quick update - the "Walk Around the World" fundraiser has been cancelled as one of our participants drowned today.
Matthew Legare aka Tobias the Adequate! - http://www.adequateblog.today.com - you know you want to.
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Everybody, you are a great help. Thank you.
The Mac
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Profile of The Mac
This is from the opening of the show of Comedian. Actor Dennis Leary:

voice: Ladies and gentlemen.. Due to illness tonight the part of Dennis Leary will be played by ......DENNIS LEARY..and now please welcome Dennis Leary!

I thought it was cute!
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Sunderland, North-East England
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Profile of templemagic
Get handed a piece of paper from offstage then read it and say...

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I have been asked to mention someone very special in the audience today. It's Mrs. Smith from SuchnSuch a place. She's in the audience tonight and she is 111. Lets have a big round of applause". Now you "hear someone talking to you from offstage and you go over to find out what they want. Now you go back to centre stage, re-read the paper and say... "oh, no, sorry. Mrs. Smith from suchnsuch a place and shes Ill!"

111/Ill - haha - sounds rubbish on paper but looks great when done onstage.

"The Power to Amaze"

The Donster
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Profile of The Donster
And I thought my sense of humor was strange.
Patrick Differ
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Profile of Patrick Differ
"Would the owner of the lost wallet with $400 in it please line up at the front desk?"
Will you walk into my parlour? said the Spider to the Fly,
Tis the prettiest little parlour that ever you did spy;
The way into my parlour is up a winding stair,
And I've a many curious things to show when you are there.

Oh no, no, said the little Fly, to ask me is in vain,
For who goes up your winding stair
-can ne'er come down again.
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wrote the theme to the TV show COPS!
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Profile of Lyndel
Excuse the interuption ladies and gentlemen... May I have your attention please...
<after a short pause> Thank you...

Posted: Jan 24, 2005 7:33am
May I have your attention please... Will the person driving the baby blue 1968 Ford Falcon with rust holes all over it, a cracked windshield, and mismatched fenders, please move your vehicle. It's not blocking anything... It's just making the place look bad.
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551 Posts

Profile of kOnO
Church Announcements

Don't let worry kill you -- the church can help.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Wednesday the Ladies' Liturgy Group will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing, "Put Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the Pastor.

Thursday at 5:00 pm, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is hell?" Come early and hear our choir practice.

It is a lot easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
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Profile of Carron
Is there a magician in the house?

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Valparaiso, IN
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Profile of Popo
If you are here for tonight's meeting of Procratinators Anonymous it has been rescheduled.

Please remember to tip the waiters and waitresses as they are working hard to serve you. And remember to return them to their upright positions so they can serve the rest of us too.

I love the announcement about the hearing aid. What a great running gag for an emcee. The first announcement, then later in the show say it louder, then louder, then later come out with a big sign.
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