A piece of string walks into a bar

the barman says... "hey!! you aren't a piece of string are you? .. we don't serve pieces of string in here!"

"no".. says the piece of string..." I'm a frayed knot"

"A rabbi, priest, midget, cowboy, leprachuan, & horse all walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, 'What is this? Some kind of joke?"

Greg

A duck walks into a bar and interrupts the bartender and rudely asks,
Duck: "Got any duck food?"
Bartender: "No."

Next day. The duck walks into the bar, interrupts the bartender and asks again,

Duck: "Got any duck food?"
Bartender: "No."

Next day. The duck walks into the bar, interrupts the bartender and asks again,

Duck: "Got any duckfood?"
Bartender: "No, and if you ask like that again, I'll nail your beak to the floor".

Next day. The duck walks into the bar, interrupts the bartender and asks again,

Duck: "Got any NAILS?"
Bartender: "No."
Duck: "Got any Duckfood?"

A big, strong looking guy walks into a bar and says, "Give me a double scotch. I feel as strong as a Bull."

A voice comes from the back of the saloon.
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...

A man walks into a bar. He was later treated for minor skull injuries.

Guy walks into the tailors and says, "Show me the cheapest suit in the shop."

"You're wearing it," came the reply.

A pirate with a steering wheel attached to his crotch walks into a bar. The bartender takes one look at the pirate, and without taking his eyes off the steering wheel says, "What the heck is that?!" To which the Pirate replies "ARRRRGH I DUNNO, BUT ITS DRIVING ME NUTS!"

Two Irishmen walk out of a bar......HAHAHAA

You guys have me rollin'!

A horse walks into a bar Bartender says "Hey why the long face?"
Anyone else catch this joke in Shrek 2?

Two guys walk into a bar...you would think the second guy would have ducked.

Two gay guys walk into a bar...and re-decorate the whole place!

A man walks into a bar, orders a shot of whiskey, downs it then looks in his shirt pocket. Orders another shot, downs it then looks in his pocket again. This goes on for several more rounds. The bartender's curiosity is piqued so he asks the guy, "Hey, what you got in that pocket?" The guy says, "A picture of my wife. When she looks good I go home!"

Thank you, thank you I'll be here all week, try the veal and tip your waiters and waitresses.

I'm in.

An American, an Englishman, and an Irishman walk into a bar and each orders a shot of whisky.

The Englishman receives his shot and there is a fly in it. The Englishman says, "Bartender, would you be able to provide me another fresh whisky? This one seems to have a fly in it."

The American receives his shot, and there is a fly in his also. The American picks out the fly with his fingers, throws the fly on the floor, and downs the shot in one swallow.

The Irishman receives his shot, and there too is a fly in it. The Irishman picks out the fly, holds it over the shotglass, points his finger at it and says, "Spit it out! Spit it OUT!"

Cheers!

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He
reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little 12-inch tall man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart! "Where on earth did you get that?" asks the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish. Just one wish. Each person is only allowed one wish!"

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!" A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, and then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks, and they keep on coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"Tell me about it!" says the man. "Do you really think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?"

3 vampires go into a bar...

1 order an iced blood, the other a hot blood, the third one a hot glass of water...

"Are you sick" inquired the others. The last vampire pulls out a tampax and goes "no but I like infusions..."

... sorry.... I only know salted jokes...

Three vampires walk into a bar. The waitress comes over and askes what they'd like to drink. The first vampire says "I'll have A positive" the Second says "I'll have B negative" and the third says "I'll just have a glass of plasma" So the waitress turns around and yells "Frank! Two Bloods and one Blood light!"

A seal walks into a club...

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" and the grasshopper says - "You have a drink named Irving?".

Did you know that Santa Clause cheats on his wife?

You don't believe me do you?

You want proof don't you?

OK, Just ask him, "Hey santa, what do you want for christmas?"

Hey says... "Ho Ho Ho!"

A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"

A nurse, a midget, a priest, and a clown walk into a bar. The bartender says: "What is this, some kind of a joke?"

A drunk in a bar barfs all over his own shirt. “Damn,” he says. “I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me.”

“Not to worry,” says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket. “Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.”

So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. “Why are there two twenties?” she asks.

The drunk replies, “Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too.”