"The only difference between this place and the TITANIC is that they had a band!"

Used by me at a district meeting in the '90's.

(Not original, but good.)

Cheers!

"Let's stop saying 'Don't quote me' because if no one quotes you, you probably haven't said a thing worth saying!"
--KMFDM, "Dogma"
;P ;P

"Politics is a religion, only in this religion you confess your neighbor's sins!"

We don’t see things as they are. We see them as we are. - Anais Nin

Post proofs that brotherhood is not so wild a dream as those who profit by postponing it pretend. - Norman Corwin

The last temptation is the greatest treason,
To do the right thing for the wrong reason.
T. S. Eliot - Murder in the Cathedral

"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming 'Wow, what a ride!" - Peter Sage

Enemies are friends in reverse. They show us things about ourselves that we need to
change. - Gary Busey

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music - George
Carlin

I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas. I'm frightened of old ones. - John Cage

"If morons could fly, the sky would be pitch black." -- Red Eldorado

"Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats." - H.L. Mencken

"The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people are so full of doubts." - Bertrand Russell

In science it often happens that scientists say, "You know that's a really good argument; my position is mistaken," and then they actually change their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion. - Carl Sagan

Let us leave pretty women to men without imagination. — Marcel Proust

If you take yourself too seriously, you are probably missing one of life's little jokes. — Jay Gannett

You don’t get harmony when everybody sings the same note. - Doug Floyd

When the eagles are silent, the parrots begin to jabber. - Sir Winston Churchill

"When the country goes temporarily to the dogs, cats must learn to be circumspect, walk on fences, sleep in trees and have faith that all this woofing is not the last word. Hang on, another chapter follows." — Garrison Keillor

The person I mainly quote is mitch hedberg

Is a hippopotumus a hippopotumus or is it a really cool opotumus

A dog is forever in the push-up position

Fettuccine alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

- mitch hedberg

P.S. — This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated